Sometimes I think I'd like to do something; maybe go for a walk, go shopping or maybe...photography. But I have that nasty little monster self doubt, spewing it's poison in my brain.
'Get someone to come with you, to guide you, to hold your pathetic little hand' it says. So I ask friends to come along. As soon as the task begins I find myself wishing I was doing it alone!
What the fuck is that? I'm pretty sure it's some kind of fear of the unknown. Some potentially crippling lack of self confidence. FAILURE?
The last of my children left home last week so for me, it's now or never!
I leapt of the cliff blindfold. I took the keys, a coffee and some tunes down to the studio and set my stuff up. All that talking, planning, hand-holding and dreaming comes to nought if you won't lake that leap. I made some plates (wet plate is my thing). They were beautiful rubbish as it turns out but it was easy and I didn't die!
I had a couple of things that I'd forgotten and usually I'd ask Peter but this time I just got on and worked it out for myself.
In that lovely moment my confidence returned I remembered how capable I can be. I'm in my studio writing this while I wait for the chemistry to reach room temperature. It's exciting to see where I might go with the work I'm starting and I can't believe how easy it is just to have some fun again. Realising that there aren't any rules is very liberating. (if you can kick the fear of the unknown in the balls!)
To the friends who listened to my many reasons and excuses, thanks for keeping in touch. To anyone else who might be wandering alone in the creative darkness that can come after uni...Make some pictures, anything. Just keep making for the fun of it, something good will come!
No comments:
Post a Comment